Peace Corps

Ok, so here's the thing. The Peace Corps may have made me evil.

When I was younger, and far more optimistic and hippie-like, I applied to the Peace Corps. It had been my life-long ambition, and I felt I was absolutely destined to go to foreign lands and help people. After graduating college, the time came, and I applied.

First off let me tell you that the application process is incredibly complicated. But I got through it, and they were all set to send me to South Africa to teach english. So excited. Planning my whole life for the next two years around this idea. Giving away all my possesions to women's shelters, etc. (Literally true.)

The last step in the process is to be medically checked from top to bottom and get medical clearance. Like a fool, I was totally honest in the questionairre and admitted that I'd once (ONCE - actually one single session) seen a psychiatrist, in college, and that I have a family history which includes mental illness.

Application: DENIED.

Broken-hearted, I got the opinions of three doctors and two psychiatrists (one of whom was the same fellow I saw that once in college), in writing, that I'm completely sane and every bit capable of Peace Corps service. I sent in this appeal.

Turns out they send your appeal to the same single nurse who denied your original application.

Appeal: DENIED.

What I'm saying is, this not only broke my heart, but it changed who I am. It shifted the core of my being towards evil. I was so completely shattered by this unthinking dismissal of my sanity and personhood that after I stopped crying (at least a month later), I went numb.

I stopped caring. And I stopped seeing the world through rose-colored glasses.

Also? I learned that it's best to lie.
If I hadn't told them these things voluntarily? I would have won. And I'd be a different person. A dumber person, but a better person. For lying.

But the reason I tell you all of this, is that it makes me wonder. Did they unleash the evil, or was I really a cynical, cold-hearted devil woman all along?

Just like the licks on a Tootsie Pop, the world may never know.